Trigger

So after a night of brutal battle, God-orchestrated conversation with old friends, and a creepy Christmas movie on Hallmark, God was in control. I mean, He was in control the entire time, but I wasn't letting Him control ME. By the end of the night, I remembered that often times, when God surfaces something from your spirit that does not belong, it will attempt to work through the flesh. So it looks like God had been turning my temperature up all day in hopes that more of my impurities would surface and He'd be able to scoop them out. So by the end of the day, I had experienced a wiiddee array of emotions that all stemmed from finding your identity in God and not people. It had a lot to do with the high high high percentage of beautiful people I met at church that day, the sadness I felt because I couldn't be with my mom, and the break in consistency I had been a part of for a good chunk of time. So I thought all of that was nailed to the cross, but I guess there was still some left in me, tainting God's spirit. So it came to the surface, and God is beginning to scoop it out today.

I feel lighter.

My smile is brighter.

But it's still uncomfortable.

I'm still feeling tendencies to hold on, to surpress, to run away.

But I know that this is part of the process, and as my Refiner works on me, He is close close close. He will not let me down. He will be continually faithful. He will be everything I cannot be. And this is all for a purpose. By the end of it all, I hope my Maker will see His reflection in me. That is worth every bit of pain, twinge of discomfort, and moment of despair. For my Maker, I'll do it. I want to reflect His beauty, and if it means it will take pain in order for that to happen, I'll do it.

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous but the LORD delivers him out of them all." Psalm 34:19

So after that long, long night, I was sitting on the Walthall basement bed and lo and be hold, a little mouse came hurling down the stairs! My jaw dropped. I held my breath as if that would somehow save the day. With wide eyes, I jumped to the stairs, trying to let my feet touch the ground as little as possible. I searched for Claire all over the house and attempted to tell her. She didn't believe me at first, but eventually she did. We creeped down stairs, convinced Trigger (we named him) had already made it to the bed. Our minds jumped forward and we drew our feet further into the covers, hoping Trigger wouldn't bite our toes. For the first time in hours, I laughed.

I can't believe I spent such a long time within the confines of my very self. What a wasted evening...not because of what was going around me but what was waging war inside of me. I surely am not fully pleasing to God when I live according to my own will and emotions. Lord, forgive me...God was not glorified that evening, but by golly today'll be different.

Who knew God would use a little mouse to turn my mood around? :)

Lord, my strength is gone to fight for You. My spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak. Jesus, rid me of myself...I don't want to waste another evening so focused on myself and what I think I need and want. I'm sorry... Will You reign in my spirit today? I want to be emptied of everything I am and filled with everything You are. I want to bear good fruit for You, Jesus. I want people to see me, taste Your fruit, and praise You!! God, here I am. But You must be the active worker here. I am not able, so You must be my strength. I trust You. I surrender to You. Thank You for Your mercy and for not giving up on me...Only You, Lord...Only You...