Being that I've been the baby of my family for, well, my entire life, I had always been rather adamant about getting what I want, whether that was the M & M's at check out or a college education. When you pair that up with my crazy, dreamer's mind, you get a bad, bad concoction. For the first nineteen years of my life, I was so, so, so stubborn about fulfilling my own dreams, my own passions, and my own interests all while using all my own drives. I made decisions based on what myself or others wanted and didn't understand the concept of God having a will and plan of His own. But, you see, that's not how it's supposed to be. Christianity isn't a label that allows the human to have a will of his or her own. Quite differently, Christianity is the literal unification of the human's will to God's will.
So I had a very strong will, set on making my dreams come true and living out every passion. It worked. I did those things, but the product of my efforts were not sweet. Oftentimes, the product of my will was painful, bitter, hateful, tainted, damaged, or completely out of wack. You see, I got what my flesh wanted but my spirit bound.
My will began to die its slow, slow death at age nineteen when I saw that these lofty plans I held high for so long were only dirty rags compared to the glory of what my King had in store for me. I saw how easy it was to rationalize my sin as hoped for dreams, holding on to the fruit I hoped to see grow in something man-made. Day after day, I remained glued to my own will, sludging through my own heavy dreams and failing to claim the bliss of obedient surrender.
And then it hit me. A series of happenings occurred to give me great peace in ending my own plans. I saw how all of my own plans failed and the few good things in my life were all things that God Himself orchestrated and crafted by His beautiful, nail-pierced hands. I saw all of my man-made idols in comparison to my Maker's plan, and I felt so stupid. For so long, I allowed my will to live and cover God's.
But boy oh boy, how life has changed.
I died on October 2, 2009. It was a beautiful, painful, ridiculously freeing day. My very self was crucified on the cross of Christ and I hung emptied, clean, and ready to be filled with everything that God is. And the results were indescribible. I cannot explain the deep-set, rich and bubbling joy that I experienced. The bliss. The freedom. The pure, almost twinging feelings of God's Love in me. I feel this every single day, and I can only testify to my Savior's grace in allowing me to surrender everything I am in return for receiving everything that He is.
So it's not about what I want anymore, whether that be a college education, my homework to vanish, to go to this school or serve in that ministry. It is all about conforming my will to God's plan and allowing His will to be my own. My desires do not trump God's. He is to be the Lord of my heart and the will that drives me to do even the most seemingly meaningless task. We were not put on earth to do our own thing. We were created to be vessels of the One who wants to extend His grace, love, and mercy to humans.
But, of course, since I am still the baby of the family, I carry those same tendencies. A few of my friends so graciously remind me of that... Every once and a while, I find myself clinging to my own emotions, fears, anxieties, worries, and pain. But I must remember that Christ did not die for my flesh to remain living. He called me to die with Him and allow Him to resurrect me in the Power and Purity of His Love. And by golly, I will not mock my Savior's cross by bearing my very self!
We must stubbornly, perpetually, and consistently surrender to the One who surrendered all to us. Do not feel embarrassed, anxious, fearful, worried, stressed out, or anything of the sort. Christ bore each of those feelings on the cross of Calvary, and to let them stick to you, burrow under your skin, and take root in your heart is refusing Christ's victory on the cross. Do you believe that Christ died for a reason? Then claim His victory!!
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