Feminine Mystique

Below, I've copied and pasted an article written by Leslie Ludy. It's really good, and it's a topic that interests me... Would you like to read it?

***
Feminine Mystique
by Leslie Ludy
www.setapartgirl.com

Eric and I have asked scores of young men over the years what makes a woman beautiful. When we get on the subject of what kind of girl is most attractive to them, these are the answers we commonly hear:


“A woman who guards her heart.”

“A woman who isn’t too easy to get.”

“A woman who doesn’t throw herself at me.”

“A woman that makes me prove I’m worthy of her heart.”

“A woman that exudes a quiet dignity in the way she acts and dresses.”

Such responses seem counter-intuitive in a culture that praises women who are sexually aggressive, loose, and uninhibited. And yet, if you think about the essence of love, sex and romance, it makes sense. Where is the fun in winning someone’s heart if they’ve already thrown their most intimate secrets out on the table? How can a man be intrigued and captivated by a woman who has no mystery at all?

In her book A Return to Modesty, Wendy Shalit makes a compelling argument that preserving the romantic depends upon a sense of mystery and guardedness. She says that modesty protects and inspires the kind of allure that actually lasts. When a woman throws all guardedness to the wind, she quickly loses her appeal. There’s nothing left to discover about her. Wendy writes about a man who became disillusioned with his girlfriend when she went topless on the beach while they were together. While it may seem that most modern guys would be happy to be with such an uninhibited girl, men who are really honest admit that this kind of audacious behavior makes women seem unfeminine and unattractive.

I think that must be what makes Jane Austen love stories so heart-meltingly romantic. What makes those old fashioned romances so compelling is their sense of mystery; tales of young women who were guarded and protective of their hearts (and bodies) being heroically wooed and won by gallant gentlemen who highly valued femininity.

When mystery is guarded, romance flourishes and lasts. When mystery is lost, romance quickly withers and dies. If a woman guards the sacred core of her femininity and allows a man to rise to the challenge of pursuing her, wooing her, and winning her heart over time, instead of thrusting it upon him too readily, his masculine strength will be tested and proven. If he has had to work hard to win her, he is far less likely to take her for granted. Rather, he will become the heroic protector he was created to be—laying down his life to preserve and nurture the heart of the princess that he worked so hard to win.

Mystery cannot be separated from true feminine beauty. It’s part of God’s pattern for femininity. Proverbs 31 portrays a beautiful, dignified, intelligent, and mysterious woman who “is clothed with strength and dignity” and who is “like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.” Think about the significance of that statement. This woman’s life is intriguing and mysterious, like the great ships that come from an exotic, far-away land.

The New Testament paints a clear and inspiring vision of this very same kind of captivating femininity:


Do not let your adornment be merely outward; arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel. Rather let it be the hidden person of the heart with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.

(1 Peter 3:3-4 NKJV)
“Gentle and quiet spirit” refers to a woman who is gracious, peaceful, serene, and quietly dignified—a woman who does not scrape and claw to be noticed and appreciated, but one who is fully content and secure in her relationship with her King. A woman with a gentle demeanor and quiet confidence in Christ will naturally guard the “hidden person” of her heart, because she understands what it means to protect the sacred. A woman that lives according to God’s pattern is captivating—because she stands out from among the throngs of women who are driven by selfishness and insecurity. As Song of Songs 2:4 says, “Like a lily among thorns, so is my darling among the maidens.” And as Proverbs 31 says, “"Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all." (RSV) A woman who possesses the incorruptible beauty of true feminine mystery will outshine all the rest.

When the Bible speaks of the “hidden person of the heart” it’s talking about the secret, intimate part of who we are—the sacred core of our femininity. But if we embrace the “hold nothing back” version of womanhood we see all around us, we have no “hidden person of the heart” left to protect; everything we think, hope, dream, fear, and feel is all out there on display for the world to see. It’s impossible to possess the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit if we follow the worldly pattern of femininity.

“Is it bad to have guys as friends?” they often ask. “How much should I share with a guy, and how much should I hold back and keep sacred? How do I protect feminine mystery and not come off as a snob?”

The reason that the concept of feminine mystery is hard to grasp is because in our modern era we’ve lost all understanding of protecting the sacred. Our global disregard for the sacred hasn’t merely affected issues surrounding femininity. In nearly every sphere of life, we have become haphazard and cavalier toward all that was once treated with reverence and respect.

For instance, just think about the way church has changed over the past few decades. People used to dress in their “Sunday best” to enter the house of God. Dressing up was a way of placing value, esteem and honor upon their time of worship and gathering together with other believers. Now, most churches have become so informal that the majority of attendees are in their Saturday-morning hang-around-the-house clothes rather than their Sunday-morning best. The congregation wears jeans, and the pastor delivers his message in a laid-back Hawaiian shirt. Church worship used to be a distinguished art form; but now it is typically a noisy display of pop-culture informality, performed by a handful of guitar-wielding twenty-year-olds with hip scruffy hair and grungy clothes. Sanctuaries used to be beautifully adorned with stained glass and mahogany pews. Now, they look like high school gymnasiums, with folding chairs and cheap, all-purpose flooring.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that dressing up or having a formal setting for church are the keys to true worship. Formality is certainly not necessary for experiencing the presence of God. Many underground churches around the world are forced to hold meetings in cramped basements and abandoned buildings—and they experience the presence of God in powerful ways, far beyond what most of us have ever encountered. However, I believe that in America, our slipshod approach to worship is merely a symptom of a deeper root issue—a lack of true reverence for the things of God; a lack of respect for the sacred. Once our churches began to portray Jesus as a casual buddy with a ponytail instead of the majestic King of all kings and Lord of all Lords that He is, we quickly lost the honor, respect, nobility, awe, and fear of God that is foundational to the Christian life.

Marriage is another sphere of life that has been greatly impacted by our lack of reverence for the sacred. God says that marriage “is to be held in honor among all.” (Hebrews 13:4) He designed the joining together of two lives to be a sacred, holy covenant—unbreakable by anything but death.

To God, divorce is an abomination (see Mal 2:14.) And yet, the divorce rate among Christians has been shown to actually be higher than among non-Christians in many recent studies. We don’t take our marriage covenants seriously anymore. We don’t realize we are entering into a holy union before God. We behave selfishly, carelessly toward our spouse, and as soon as someone more appealing comes along, we are quick to forsake the one we pledged to love and serve for a lifetime. Even couples that stay together typically do not treat their marriage with reverence and respect. They take each other for granted. They allow sloppy, haphazard, disrespectful habits to creep into their relationship. They treat each other with dishonor. They complain about each other, embarrass each other, and make each other the brunt of jokes at social gatherings.

Protecting the sacred was one of the key aspects to my God-written love story with Eric. When our romance was first blossoming, Eric spent several months away at missionary school. This was before the days of cell phones and email, if you can believe it! So we could only talk on the phone about once a week and write each other letters.

It may sound restrictive and old-fashioned, but to me it was like a dream-come-true. Just think about what makes a Jane Austen romance so appealing. It’s the slow, delicate process of one heart opening to another. In old-fashioned love stories you don’t carelessly fling your mind, emotions and body upon someone the moment that they say they like you.
In fairy tales, you don’t go from zero to sixty in seconds. Rather, you savor each conversation, carefully weigh each word, and patiently wait months or years before you finally win the priceless treasure of the other person’s heart. Modern romances are sadly lacking in the dignity, nobility and honor that was prevalent in the days of “knights and fair maidens.” The only way to gain the dignity and nobility that our feminine hearts crave is to carefully protect the sacred things, no matter how strange or old-fashioned they might seem.

Instead of spending mindless hours on the phone chatting about trivial things, I waited with eager anticipation for Eric’s once-a-week call to me from the pay phone outside his missionary school. Every word was savored. We didn’t waste time talking about meaningless things. We cherished every moment and counted every conversation as significant. It was a thousand times more special and romantic because we only talked once a week. Instead of exchanging quick, shallow text messages every day, we took the time to write long, thoughtful letters to each other. I still love to look through the box of letters that we wrote to each other during those years. It reminds me of a Jane Austen novel. I look at the carefully scripted, thoughtful words and remember the delicate way our hearts opened to each other. It was a thousand times more romantic and dignified than mindless emails or text messages.

This is not to say that you can’t have the “Jane Austen magic” if you choose to use email or cell phones in your love story. The principle that makes the fairy-tale spirit come alive is keeping sacred things sacred.

Even now after fourteen years together, Eric and I make it our goal to keep our relationship sacred and treat our marriage with reverence. We still write thoughtful, purposeful letters to each other—in fact, we even have special formal letterhead and scented stationary that we use specifically for this purpose. It might seem cheesy to some, but to us it is a simple way of keeping nobility in our love story.



Protecting the sacred is part of God’s pattern. When sacred things are protected, marriages thrive, churches thrive, and culture thrives. The same is true for femininity. When sacred things are protected, feminine beauty and dignity are the natural byproduct. Here are a couple of ways to put this principle into practice as a single young woman:

Dressing with selfless dignity means not giving other guys the pleasure of viewing what was only meant for your husband. It means honoring and respecting your future spouse by keeping your body sacred and set-apart for his eyes only. And it means respecting the men around you by not putting temptation right in front of their nose, and then blaming them for viewing you like a sex object. It doesn’t mean hiding behind a long, tent-like robe. It just means being guarded with how much of your body is being exposed.

Here is the rule of thumb that works for me on where to draw the line when it comes to showing skin: Any area of my body that can be associated with sensuality is not to be touched or seen by anyone other than my husband. For example, if someone touches me on the elbow, there isn’t anything sensual about it. In fact, often at weddings or fancy restaurants, an usher or waiter will take me by the arm and lead me to my seat. Eric has no reason to be concerned about this kind of interaction, because there’s nothing sexual about it. But if a guy came up and touched me on the thigh or put his hand on my stomach, it’s a completely different story. Eric would have every reason to be jealous, angry and hurt, because that kind of touch can definitely be associated with sensuality.

Any area of my body that would be awkward or uncomfortable for another guy to touch is an area of my body that I keep hidden for my husband’s eyes alone. Upper chest, thighs, stomach—these might seem like harmless areas to show off, but if you were married and wanted to stay that way, you wouldn’t allow another guy to touch you in any of those places. So why would you allow another guy to have the privilege of looking at what was meant for your husband’s pleasure alone? When you keep your husband’s feelings at the forefront of your mind when deciding what to wear, the issue of how much skin to show becomes far less complicated.

Lots of young women I know frequently wear clothes that conceal almost every bit of skin on their body, and yet their outfits are anything but modest. Tight and form-fitting clothes can be just as sensual (if not more so) as clothes that reveal a lot of skin. It’s really the same rule of thumb that applies in this situation. Any area of your body that can be associated with sensuality shouldn’t be viewed by other men—whether in showing skin or in super-fitted form. A turtleneck might not show any skin whatsoever, but if it is extremely tight in chest area, then you are leaving very little to the imagination for any guy who happens to look your way. The same goes with pants and skirts. They might cover every square inch of skin, but if they cling too snugly to your figure, you are giving guys the pleasure of viewing what was meant for only your husband’s enjoyment.

Carrying yourself with poise sends the message that

your femininity is valuable.

There is a big difference between a young woman who is careful and guarded in her femininity because she is afraid of doing something wrong, and a young woman who guards her femininity out of love for Jesus Christ and honor for her future husband. It’s similar to the distinction between the woman who hides behind dull, drab, shapeless clothing in order to prove how “godly and modest” she is, and the woman who dresses with selfless, dignified elegance because she wants to bring glory to Jesus Christ. One is born out of humanly contrived self-effort. The other is born out of a passionate relationship with our Lord.

Hiding in a corner and refusing to look men in the eye or ever have a conversation with them is not truly protecting the sacred. Acting aloof and arrogant toward the opposite sex in the name of trying to “guard our heart” is not true feminine mystique. But neither is being haphazard and flippant with our heart and emotions, casually sharing our most vulnerable thoughts and intimate secrets with any Joe Blow that invites us out to coffee. A woman of honor is confident, friendly, outward focused and does not draw attention to herself, either by extreme shyness or by extreme forwardness. She is willing and able to talk to guys, encourage guys, and build them up as brothers in Christ. She is confident and poised, looks them in the eye, she excels in the art of Christ-honoring conversation with them. And yet, she does not quickly open up her heart to them. She is able to be a close sister and encourager without throwing the sacred core of her femininity to the wind.

I’ve known quite a few young women who exude feminine mystique. This kind of young woman has a radiant smile and ready friendliness to all she comes in contact with, including guys. She is friendly and confident when she converses with the opposite sex, and yet if she ever senses that she is becoming the object of unhealthy male attention, she is quick to discreetly back away. When guy friends pressure her to share more of her intimate thoughts than she is comfortable with, she tells them nicely but firmly that she doesn’t feel comfortable opening up on that level. She doesn’t act rude or stiff in response to inappropriate male behavior—she’s just forthright and honest with them about her standards. A woman of mystery is a confident, radiant, beautiful and guarded woman—and part of what makes her so lovely is her careful protection over what is most sacred in her life.

Like I said earlier, there are many stylish and looser fitting pants that are feminine and flattering without “giving away the farm.” They may be hard to find in the teeny-bopper stores at the mall where every pair of jeans is labeled “ultra-low-cut-stretch”, but the young professional styles often have some pretty good options. You may have to pay a bit more for them, but it’s better to have one or two pairs of classy, feminine jeans or pants, than a whole closet full of super-tight ones that only get tighter every time you wash them! Make it your goal that when a guy looks at you, he will notice the light of Christ in your eyes and the radiance of your smile rather than being distracted by the outline of your body.

Along the same lines, be aware of the way you carry yourself. A young woman of mystery does not sprawl on the floor with her legs carelessly splayed, drape herself haphazardly over a countertop so that her blouse hangs open, or unconsciously pull at her panty line. Carrying yourself with poise sends the message that your femininity is valuable. It also commands respect from the guys you encounter. A woman who carries herself like a lady is far more apt to be treated like a lady. On the flip-side, a woman who carries herself with carelessness is more apt to be treated with disrespect.

Feminine mystery is tantamount to feminine beauty. If you want to turn the head(and heart) of a noble, godly man, start by regaining the lost art of mystique.

“Modesty, is the ancient secret of allure. An oxymoron? I think not. When women choose to dress with modesty and dignity, it just might flip everything around…We were created in such a way that when we humans act without restraint and without any rules, we don’t have as much fun! Modesty and dignity helps women protect their romantic hopes, challenges men to be courteous and honorable and will turn the whole sexual revolution on its head. That is something to look forward to.” Christa Taylor

***